1. They are stealing the copies of 'Catcher in the Rye' you bought along so you can try and score with indie girls. They are using them to stock a used book store in Soho, where indie kids go to buy beaten up copies of 'Catcher in the Rye' to score with indie girls.

2. That flushed expression from the girl when you go to get your bag back isn't from the excitement of serving a geeky indie rock kid and she isn't laughing at your hilariously ironic t-shirt. It is embarrassment. She hoping that you didn't notice she was using your bag as padding while she makes out with one of the security guys.

3. They have people in the back who are taking photos and measurements of your hipster man bag so they can remake it and then and market it to the masses in Urban Outfitters.

4. Those badges didn't just fall off by themselves; they are being melted down to make bullets. Damn you for fuelling crime by using the venue's cloak room! Rock fans with a conscience are soldering badges to their accessories these days.

5. If they keep you queuing for long enough you will miss the opening band. The promoter saw them sound checking earlier and he realised that they were so bad that even if a small audience saw them play there would be a minor riot. So he asked the cloakroom girl to operate at the pace of a frail 68 year old woman, whose strength has left her. That's why it looks like she can barely tear the tickets; it isn't just all the drugs.

6. The headline band got cancelled. Instead some deadbeat comedian is going to front a raffle using the cloakroom tickets. Admittedly you will just be getting your own bag back, but you will be getting it back with the style and pride of a winner. 'Holy shit, that's my number!' you will scream as you punch the air. This feeling is worth the door price alone.

7. The coats are used to hide the secret portal to a Narnia-esque wonderland where only good bands play and girls do want to talk to you because you are wearing an Appleseed Cast badge. They have a wise old Lion operating the soundboard, he has realised long ago that most sound guys put the bass way too loud in the mix. You would be impressed that you can actually understand the lyrics and between song banter.

8. They are going through your bag and taking out the cans of beer you bought so you could get drunk in the venue's toilets. They will use this as the rider for the bands to cut costs. The band will be impressed by the variety of drinks as normally they just get one type of beer. However they will get so drunk on the special brew you bought that they will forget to play the only song you wanted to hear in their otherwise shitty set.

9. The venue is run by bad people. They started out idealistically, just wanting to make a cool place for bands to play. But they got jaded and now look for anyway to screw their customers out of money.

10. They take your bag to stop you bringing in blades to slash the seats after you realised number 9 last time you were there.